It's been pointed out to me that I've once again become unforgivably neglectful in my column writing. Last week's column was due over 100 weeks ago, and while my editor, Mary Rose, has been quite patient with me in this regard, some readers -- okay ONE reader -- has asked, in effect, what gives?

Answer? I don't know. I'm not very good with deadlines I guess.

But then, I think, why not try writing a column, just try, and see how it turns out? The worst that would happen is that I miss another in the never ending series of missed weekly deadlines. So, here goes.

In quiet observation of what has taken place since my last column, I can only recall that, major skyscrapers have disappeared from the New York skyline, our armed forces are in the process of overthrowing the government of Iraq, and that, as one fan observed, Barry Gibb didn't do much during the year of 2002. Then again, neither did I, and I can assure you, Barry gets paid a great deal more for doing nothing at all than I do for doing everything in my power. So, if the guy wants a year off, fine by me.
Of course, the big news is that which I've dreaded having to write about. Simply put, Maurice is gone. It's hard for me to imagine the Bee Gees without Maurice. And I'm not alone in this. Apparently Barry and Robin are also at a loss to imagine the Bee Gees without Maurice, and have said, in effect, that the Bee Gees are no more. Past columns had me complaining about how long it will take for the next Bee Gees album to come out. Now, there is simply no longer such a thing as "the next Bee Gees album."

At this point, I could go on being sad and serious, or attempt to go on being funny. Maurice would want me to go on being funny. So would my editor, come to think of it. This is, after all, a humor column.

Well, under such circumstances, the best way to be funny is to ignore reality. It's tax time, after all, a time in which ignoring reality is my most marketable skill. So, no problem, right?

Barry and Robin have said that they will no longer record together as the Bee Gees. That doesn't mean that they will no longer record together at all. It just means that when they do, the Bee Gees name will not be the one they use. Hmmm....

One fan said, in response to the "Barry didn't do anything in 2002" comment, that he worked with on a project with his son Stephen. Stephen, in case you didn't know, is a punk rocker.

I'd long since determined not to write about the Gibb kids, but this is a worthy exception. Punk bands are huge now. Linkin Park, a "nu-metal" punk band, sold a million records the first week of their latest release. And every shopping mall I've been to has a "Hot Topic" boutique, dedicated to meeting the fashion needs of the youthful punk rocker.

You can probably see where I'm going with this, right? Yup. Barry and Robin should team up with young Stephen and put out a genuine punk album.

They're already headed in the right direction. Robin is a macrobiotic vegan, and many punkers these days are "straightedge" vegans. Stephen has the piercings and tattoos, Barry has the leather wrist band. A little edge, a little bit of angry howling added to the falsettos and...

Okay, fine, I've just lost half my readers. Oh well. Honestly, the Bee Gees -- whoops, Barry and Robin now -- are close to putting together a punk album just based on past releases. "Secondhand People" is a definite punk anthem if ever I've heard one. "I Want Home" -- another Australian release -- has the punk edge to it, although the lyrics may need a little reworking. Even post-Australian releases, such as the title song to the "Idea" album, would easily qualify.

Best of all, Barry wouldn't even have to play guitar. Just stand there in a torn black tank-top shirt and scream out those angry lyrics. We know he's got the lyrics in him -- just take the song "Down the Road," with the line "ain't no heavy mister leather gonna paddle my butt anywhere!" Okay, maybe Stephen could write the lyrics...

But if they can go from pop ballads to disco, then to having the top country crossover song of all time -- "Islands in the Stream," the Gibb composition that Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton made famous -- and then on to whatever the kind of song "You Win Again" is supposed to be, then CERTAINLY they can -- and maybe SHOULD -- make the crossover to punk rock.

Now if we can just keep Robin out of the mosh pit...

David Garcia can be reached at david@garcia.net 

Return to The Brothers Gibb